Shameful Obsession
by Moon Fever
Summary: Ok, this is about Remus Lupin who has an uh, 'un-natural obsession' which leads him to write fan fictions. His best ever fan fiction is flushed own the toilet (litrally) when Snape discovers his 'Shameful Obsession'. Warning: ultra weird and strange
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I don not have any association with JK Rowling or Warner Bros. 

Authors Note: I was completely out of it when I wrote this. There's only one time when I think toilet humour is funny and this is indicative of it. I wrote it at 1:00 am. It's funny what your mind does at that time!

Remus Lupin sat on a toilet in Hogwarts, a bundle of parchment was being balanced on his lap as he poised a quill over the stack. Remus bit his lip, concentrating on finding the most fabulous and wonderful fan fiction ever written in the magical world. As he brushed his brown hair from hanging past his grey eyes he moved his knees so he'll have an a stable position to write the marvellous fan fiction, as he gently lowered his goose feather quill down to his page, a deafening knock shocked him. His knees sprang apart and he dropped his quill into the depths of the toilet, with dismay, he discovered that his sheets of parchment with the fragments of fiction on were floating hazily down at the bottom of the toilet. As Remus roughly wiped his backside and pulled down his robe, his train of thought was once more interrupted by a knock. This time accompanied by an impatient voice.

"Get out of there! I need to go!" Severus Snape's voice rung from the other side of the door, sounding desperate and strangely high pitched. Remus looked ill mannered as he flushed the toilet trying to shred all evidence that he'd been writing fan fiction stories on the toilet. After Remus' fifth attempt at trying to flush down the parchment and other -er- things, he was angry to find that parchment had an needless tendency to float on water. 

"Get OUT!" Severus screamed, a heavy thud was heard again as Remus recoiled from the door. It seemed as if Severus tried to body slam down the door.

"Oh hush up!, I'm coming!" Remus shouted back, trying to tidy up his hair in the mirror and washing his hands, still fuming over his lost quill and parchment that floated upon the toilet. Finally Remus threw the door open to see Severus clutching his crotch. Remus was roughly pushed aside by Snape who slammed the door behind him. A strange tinkling was heard soon after and Remus decidedly thought it was better not to hang around for more, so he retreated to the staffroom, where a hearty fire burnt. Remus sunk himself into a large comfortable plush chair where he closed his eyes, anxious to get inspiration for his fan fiction considering his latest one was now being soiled by Severus Snape. After three minutes of un-inspirational dirty thoughts about Sabrina the teenage witch (Oh Remus you naughty naughty wolf) Remus decided, that to prevent loss of his job, he'll do some marking. Remus reached into his shabby briefcase and rustled among the papers from his third year class. He furrowed his forehead and bit the end of his old duck feather quill as he ticked and crossed through the varying qualities of work. He commented on those that were exceptionally well done (Hermione) and made helpful suggestions and wrote good try (in other words, good try but you were still off the mark by a long shot) to others that didn't make the grade. When he'd finished reading over Ron Weasley's explanation of how Grindylows attack and kill small fish, Remus heard the staffroom toilet flush and then the door creak open. Soon after, Severus was standing over him positively glowing with menace, in his rubber gloves hands (I'm making this as hygienic as I can) a few sheets of wet parchment dripped. Severus held one piece up in front of Remus and shook it furiously so drops of toilet water sprayed onto Remus' face. Severus seemed oblivious to Remus' unamused expression as Remus wiped his face. A slight curl in his lip showed that Severus was hiding a smile.

"So..." Severus begun, his ebony eyes glinting with calculating malice. "You've been writing fairy tales again"

Remus gave a small gasp, he couldn't believe it. It was simply implausible, did Snape put his hands down a toilet just to embarrass him? Remus' eyes wandered down to Severus' rubber gloves and wondered where he'd ever gotten. Remus nodded shamefully at Severus who sneered.

"It seems the time you've spent with muggles have rubbed off on you" Severus murmured. Remus knew what he was implying to, Remus had been moving in and out of muggle households before coming to Hogwarts, and in these houses he'd gotten a very strange obsession to the world of anime television and internet. Remus had gotten addicted to a television animation and though he thought its plot was rubbish, he still watched it routinely until a landlord of his once kicked him out of a house for adorning the walls with posters of his favourite character. Though this in itself wasn't remotely strange, the posters weren't of Sabrina the Teenage Witch now any other big busted women, but the posters were disturbingly pictures of a certain purple haired male. After he was evicted, Remus found himself in a household that was connected to the internet. After a year experimenting with how to actually get to a website, Remus found himself at fanfiction.net Finally, little Remus decided to write his own plots to his favourite TV show, and he posted them. But unfortunately, Remus received no reviews except for one that was quite rude. Stating that Remus was untalented and lacked originality, plus he couldn't spell for nothing and that he should go back to the planet he came from. It also had a nasty post script saying that Remus' was an ugly git with a recessive hairline. After that single review, Remus was discouraged and vowed that next time he wrote a story, it would safely be a wonderful one. Unfortunately for Remus, the story that he intended to be the best in the world was now being read out loud by Snape, who paused after every line and chortled to himself, casting darks looks at Remus.

"...so the handsome man entitled Rumes was striding carefully along the track where he met an equally charming man called Trunks. The man, flicked his purple hair and smiled.."

Remus cringed, Severus smiled mumbling something suspiciously like 'handsome boy man my ass'. Severus was ready to reveal Remus' torturous secret, Remus was ready to break down and cry, it wasn't of course his fault that he admired Dragonball Z!

*Dun...DUH*

Next time: Severus reads more on Remus' (or shall we call him Rumes?) perfect fan fiction. Remus has a seizure, but it's alright. The author knows how to resuscitate Remus. (Muahahah...) 


	2. The weirdness continues. Behold!

Authors Notes: Hello...thank you for reviewing Fred Weasley! I don't normally write on the toilet though admittedly this story is based on a real life experience for me. That notebook was $8.00!

Snape suddenly burst out laughing, while Remus felt like gagging, his brain feeling as if it had been flushed down the toilet.

Snape cleared his throat, and Remus could distinctively see tears of laughter rolling down his face.

"Remus...erm...You mean '_Rumes' _don't you?" Severus sneered, his hands shaking uncontrollably. Remus rolled his eyes. 'Damnit, he'd forgotten to change the name...'

"_Rumes _was so powerful and elite, Trunks was automatically drawn to *cough* _Rumes _and they paired up to form the most powerful partnership ever" Snape laughed "haha, 'powerful?"

"Shut up!" Remus yelled, tears nearly overflowing. Severus ignored him and continued scanning through the story, searching the most amusing portions of fiction.

"blah blah...your work is rather dull Remus, ooohhh...look here, you seem to have a love interest in this part. Oops, I mean Rumes has a love interest. Android 18? Who the hell is Android 18?" Severus suddenly stopped talking for a loud thump echoed through the staffroom. Remus had fainted and he was now twitching uncontrollably, Severus watched, looking very entertained. He sat on the sofa, smirking down at Remus' body as it slowly vibrated towards the fireplace, his limps flailing and thrashing due to his seizure. For a few moments Severus sat staring delightedly at the kicking body of Remus. A particularly enjoyable movement for Severus was when Remus' legs kicked up his robes revealing his -er- 'privates', this was only instantaneous, though a smile was still plastered of Severus' face.

"Hello...Sevvie, are you going to save him?" Yes, it is me, the almighty author, sick of seeing Severus watching Remus with a perverted expression. 

Snape looked up into the ceiling of the classroom, shocked. He tried to fix a 'what? Me, perverted? No...' look on his face.

"You!" he spat, I smiled smugly, it seemed Severus despised me due to the gross story lines I put him in. Also, it is because I prefer Remus over him but this is soon to be short-lived. As Remus will eventually wake up to find the author panicking, running around looking petrified. 

"Save him!" I whinge, Severus cast a disdainful look at Remus who is still in a case of seizure. 

"But he's _dirty_!" Snape tried to defend himself.

"You stuffed your hand down a toilet, so are you! Do something!" Suddenly Remus stopped moving, he flopped placidly on the ground. "Oh great, he'd _dead_!"

Severus gave what could be considered a scared expression. His lips curled into a grimace as froth seeped between Remus' blue lips.

"Oh well, he's dead...it seems that you'll have to write stories about ME now!" Snape said, looking very smug.

"Oh for goodness sake" I pulled myself down from the corner of the room and dragged myself in front of Severus, crouching down in front of Remus.

"Get your big arse out of my face" Snape said menacingly, I glare at him giving a wink that said 'I could make you gay with Harry _AND _James _AND_ Sirius while he's still a dog', Snape recoiled from my glare.

I gently poke Remus, he doesn't seem to respond so I put my head close to his face. Listening for any signs of breathing. Suddenly I hear him gag, and something wet and horrible sloshed down my face. Severus cracked up laughing.

Oh how exceptionally wonderful, it seems as if Remus had just had practice for projectile vomiting. Target? : Me.

"AAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHH!" I run out of the story, anxious to wipe the vomit off my face while vowing never to enter any of my stories again.

Remus sat up looking bewildered, he wiped his mouth on his sleeve and blinked at Severus who was still crumpled up, laughing at the wonderful case of projectile motion.

"What did I just do?" Remus asked, wondering whether he wanted to know or not. Severus shook his head in reply, his eyes still watering from the display of pure amusement for him.

Remus sat up, feeling woozy, he noticed the parchment with his story, was on an armchair away from Severus. In one subtle move he crawled towards the parchment and roughly stuffed the parchment into his mouth. He chewed in slowly and tried to swallow it but then in a instant he remembered that it _was_ his most fabulous piece of work. He, however, neglected to remember that the parchment had been subjected to toilet water and excrement by both he and Severus. So Remus, remembering that the story was the best ever pulled it out of his mouth and smoothed it down on his lap. (Maybe the seizure killed too many brain cells). Snape suddenly stopped laughing and he looked at Remus with an aghast expression. His ebony eyes wandering from the soiled and smelly parchment to Remus, who grinned a little too excitedly for comfort. Now it was Severus' turn to expel tonight's dinner as he gagged. A sharp giggle was heard in the corner of the room.

"Blast you Minerva!" Snape mumbled as soon as he finished retching. Remus was confused, though happy that he still had control over his story. However this was short-lived as Severus strided over, a sliver of disgusting green bile running down the corner of his mouth and grabbed Remus' piece of pathetic parchment. With relish and a scanning glance, Severus raised it too his mouth and tenderly dabbed the parchment on his mouth, smearing all that was written on the parchment. Remus whimpered.

"You idiot, that was my story I intended to post of fanfiction.net!" Remus shouted. Severus cocked his head and looked interested. 

"I'm sooo sorry Remus...but your stories really are insufferable and boring" Severus spoke calmly, a glimmer of joy shone through his eyes.

Remus gasped, "How do you know?" he demanded. Staring sternly at Severus.

"It was I -" Snape shivered slightly "It was I that reviewed your story!"

Remus gasped again, this time accompanied by him clasping his chest, "Oh no...but the review was about my NC-17 one with Android 18 and Trunks..."

"My Dear Lupin, may I suggest next time you write a story about sex you don't entitle it 'My love affair with a beautiful male and hot chick - though for your liberty, I printed it off for Dumbledore to read for his entertainment"

Lupin felt sick again. 


End file.
